This title likely makes one think that the mixed emotions were during the race itself - this was not the case.
During the 100 miler my dominant feeling was that of gratitude - grateful that I am in the position to take part in these events that I feel are incredible life experiences and grateful that my body is up to the task.
The other emotions came after the event.
I found myself feeling low, depressed even.
This is not something I feel often or a term I use lightly, but that's what I found myself dealing with.
I was questioning my choice to put so much time into a passion of mine that adds no value to anyone but myself.
This led me to question my life choices as a whole.
It was only the day after experiencing this that I remembered an article that I didn't read months earlier on the #SheUntamed group I am part of.
I read the headline, though - it was something like:
"How to deal with post-race blues".
I told my partner about it and mentioned that I think that is what was going on - adding that I've never experienced it before. He agreed that it was likely what it was and said that it's a genuine issue and not uncommon to have these feelings after a big effort.
I guess when one does something that is quite challenging for their level and spends a considerable amount of time doing it - it affects you in some way, mentally too.
This is not a bad thing and I am glad that it happened.
I appreciate the questions that the state I was in made me ask of myself and I appreciate the awareness and clarity that has come as a result of the questions. Now, I am quite pleased to say that I have mostly returned to a feeling of immense gratitude.
These events are a privilege. The reality is that the mountain biking and gravel racing world is for those of us in fortunate positions. In no way do I believe it is something to feel guilty about, but it is worth acknowledging.
To have the great joy and luxury of being able to spend a full day doing what we love - is there anything better?
It's why I have always loved ultra events - running and riding.
When you wake up that morning, you know that's all you've got to do: keep the legs moving.
You can't focus on work or any of your other responsibilities - your job that day, or for however many days you're racing, is simply to keep moving.
It's something I remind myself about when the going gets tough: that this is my choice and it is a gift to be able to see it through.
I started doing big distance events by myself - creating my own triathlons to celebrate my birthday a few years ago.
I announced it online and said that I would be doing it in honour of the Childhood Cancer Foundation of South Africa (CHOC) and the People's Dispensary for Sick Animals (PDSA).
I shared my personal story about being a child with cancer and then a teenager with a life-threatening blood disorder and chose the PDSA after having spent time volunteering there and of course, because I adore animals - but I made it clear that this goal came about as a gift to myself. I was doing it for me.
I was going to spend my special day doing my special things - and I hoped to hurt.
I wanted to feel pain and allow myself to overcome it, knowing very well that I could stop at any point but choosing not to.
It is still the main reason I do these things that are difficult for me.
I will admit that in a way - it's become a bit of an addiction. This is something I have battled in other areas of life too - it's either all the beers or no beers, struggling with an in-between.
Now I am always looking for ways to put myself through intentional pain and then have the chance to prove to myself just how tough I am.
Is it healthy? Probably not, but I guess it's better than drinking all the beers. 🤷🏽♀️
I try to be aware that I am potentially an example to some people and feel a sense of duty not to encourage unhealthy behaviour. At times I feel that spending as much time as I dedicate to riding my bike is not to be admired and there is a better use for my time.
It's a rollercoaster of emotions, as you can read.
Can one be a positive contribution to society while still chasing a passion that rewards them only?
The heartwarming messages that I received after the race helped me believe that yes, we can.
I was the last person to finish the Prince George 100 miler - it took me 11 hours and 52 minutes. When I came in and I was greeted with hugs and smiling faces, I felt such intense joy and pride that it surely cannot have been worth nothing.
I hope to show others that:
We are capable of overcoming mammoth hardships - physically, mentally and emotionally. We are capable of massive change if it is what we seek. We are worthy of the time and effort that it takes to reach our goals. We are brave for accepting challenges and we have it in us to see them through.It does not matter where we finish - what matters is that we show up. I choose to conclude, affirming to myself that I deserved that 100 miler.
It was a day for me - I rode solo from start to finish and I loved every moment of it, even the moments that weren't "fun".
It was super cold at the top of the Swartberg Pass, and it took me a while to shake it off. Then in the last 30 km, the wind came to say howzit and made making it to the finish seem like a never-ending battle.
I chuckled to myself when that happened, knowing it was a little present - allowing me an extra touch of pleasure in the accomplishment because if it was easy we all know it wouldn't have been worth it.
Comments